Please self-administer this oath before listening to the music:

To be sworn in the witnessing presence of a house cat or dog, plant,
or other non human living creature of any kind, with hands placed on a
copy of the original DVD release of Team America World Police, or, if
that is not available, any object that has a reasonable chance of
being touched by someone within 3 degrees of separation of Trey Parker
and/or Matt Stone, OR Zbigniew Brzezinski.

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I, _____________ (name) do hereby and hereon sincerely promise and
solemnly swear that I will never reveal the secrets of Team
Illuminatiʼs rock opera, Space Attack, to those who are not entitled
to receive them, whom I shall recognize by a common bond of intuition,
that they themselves are potentially worthy candidates to receive the
secrets of Team Illuminati, which I shall discover through my inner
Compass.

I furthermore promise and swear to honor the Ancient Statues of Team
Illuminati in only selecting those who have a keen interest in ridding
the planet of douchebags, assholes and fuckfaces, and replacing them
with Keepers of the Flame of Illumination, whether behind the scenes,
in wondrous allegories and fantastic dreamlike fantasies, or in the
open foodcourts of the world, for the benefit of raising the
subconscious impulses of the innocent unwashed masses of Humanity, so
desperately ready and willing to receive further instruction despite
the best efforts of ____________(scapegoat goes here), to the sublime
and illuminating ways of using higher consciousness to not totally
kill and ruin everything.

I furthermore promise and swear, to take upon myself the noble duties
of a member of Team Illuminati, in spirit and in action, which
include: aiding and assisting another member of Team Illuminati in
need of Inner Illumination Assistance; facilitating the creation of
challenging and inspiring art and music to lift the bovine culture of
consumption and apathetic powerlessness up to a level worthy of
survival and remembrance after the inevitable visitations made by
Saturn to all Empires past and present; and, if necessary, totally
taking over both sides of any situation I find myself in through
subtle means, in order to influence events from the flank, where the
probing eyes of those tuned to the Literal eternally fail to see the
machinations of the Symbolic.

All of this I sincerely promise and solemnly swear in the presence of
this ______________ (cat, dog, plant, etc…..), binding myself under
no less a penalty than having recurring dreams of being on the phone
with AT&T, Sprint or Verizon tech support for the rest of my dimly
lit, TV dinner fed, sexless life of ashen slumber, under the watchful
gaze of none other than a disappointed and very sad, genuinely shocked
and let down version of the ____________(cat, dog, plant, etc….)
whom I swear this stunning, gentle oath in the presence of.

So help me Jesus Christ Superstar,
AMEN